I am seriously glad to be here tonight at the annual Alfalfa dinner. I know that many you are aware that this dinner began almost one hundred years ago as a way to celebrate the birthday of General Robert E. Lee. If he were here with us tonight, the General would be 202 years old. And very confused.
Now, this hasn’t been reported yet, but it was actually Rahm’s idea to do the swearing-in ceremony again. Of course, for Rahm, every day is a swearing-in ceremony.
But don’t believe what you read. Rahm Emanuel is a real sweetheart.
No, it’s true. Every week the guy takes a little time away to give back to the community. Just last week he was at a local school, teaching profanity to poor children.
But these are the kind of negotiations you have to deal with as President. In just the first few weeks, I’ve had to engage in some of the toughest diplomacy of my life. And that was just to keep my Blackberry. I finally agreed to limit the number of people who could email me. It’s a very exclusive list. How exclusive?
Everyone look at the person sitting on your left. Now look at the person sitting on your right. None of you have my email address.
Now I don’t know a ton about girls, I’ll be the first to admit it. I don’t know if they like being hit on, if size matters, or where they pee out of. It’s a mystery like the bermuda triangle, but one thing I do know is that girls love a mysterious adventure.
This is why when I’m out on a date and things are getting a little stale, I will pay the waiter $40 to come up to the table and say “Sorry to inturupt, Mr. White but TIRAMISU is not on the menu” and then give me a menacing nod. Then I will put a very serious look on my face, jump up,punch the waiter in the face flip the table and grab my date by the hand say “They found me, we have to leave now, follow me”. Then I dart out the back door and jump in my car. I say “I’m sorry you have become a part of this, but if you don’t do what I say they will kill you to get to me.”
As she gets scared i yell “How do they know about Berlin!..your cell phone, give me your cell phone” Then I open up the back of her phone and and say “Bugged” and then throw it out the window of my Mitsubishi Lancer. Than I drop her off under a bridge and tell her to meet me in the Marion Hotel under the name Samantha Stone in 40 minutes. After we bang, I tell her to go underground for a few weeks and to “stay off the grid”.
They usually see me at a Jamba-Juice a few weeks later and get really upset, but deep down I bet they had a lot of fun.
“The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our ways—I to die and you to live. Which is the better, only God knows.”—Socrates, quoted in: Plato’s Apology, sct. 42a. Last words of his speech to the court following the sentence of death imposed on him by the Athenians. (via havent-got-a-prayer)
This time, I’ll go slower. This time I’ll hold your hand more and fill your day with more I love you’s. This time I’ll cook you dinner and let you wake up in my arms more often. I’ll say exactly what’s on my mind and fill you in on each little color that comes in and out of my day. I’ll allow for more silences and candlelight baths. I’ll clean the house before you come home and match all of your socks for you. I’ll leave love notes on the fridge and read you poetry as you fall asleep. I promise I’ll try not to get jealous when other guys look your way; I’ll try my hardest, baby. I’ll do my best to remember that if you were at someone else’s side, I’d probably be looking at you too.